Archives for 2009
Judge: ‘What was he doing when you arrested him?’ Policeman:’He was arguing with a taxi driver, Your Honour.’ Judge:’ That us no proof he was drunk.’ Policeman:’ Well, Your Honour, there was no taxi driver there.’
Maternity is a fact, paternity, an opinion.
This is from an actual trial in the UK. A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her third [...]
An Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, [...]
The local newspaper funeral notice telephone operator received a phone call. A woman on the other end asked, "How much do funeral notices cost?" "$5.00 per word, Ma’am," came the response. "Good, do you have a paper and pencil handy?" "Yes, Ma’am." "OK, write this: ‘Fred dead.’" "I’m sorry, Ma’am; I forgot to tell you [...]
A little boy sought admission to a primary school on the strength of having an older brother in the final year in the same school. The older boy described the aspirant as his ‘real brother.’ But the little boy when questioned about their relationship replied, ‘ He is a distant relative.’ ‘How come you call [...]
My cousin John’s mother is a devout Christian. He had just opened his dental practice and was dismayed when his mother told him she was embroidering a Bible verse to hang on the wall of his waiting room. ‘Mum, nobody put up Bible verses in dentists’ clinics,’ he groaned. His mother assured him that he [...]
A bald headed barber was trying to sell a bottle of hair tonic to his customer. ‘But how can you sell it, when you yourself have no hair?’ he was challenged. ‘Nothing wrong wiith that,’ came the reply, ‘ I know of a guy who sells brassiers.’
Adolf Hitler was conducting a General Staff meeting, when somebody sneezed. "Who was that!?" shouted Hitler, whirling around from a wall map of Europe. Nobody said anything. "I see," he said, "I will have 10 of you shot. And maybe then you will tell me who sneezed?" A Gestapo agent took 10 people out of [...]
A young man approached Ah Beng for the hand of his daughter. Ah Beng knew that the fellow earned nothing and is jobless. ‘I don’t want my daughter to spend all her life with an idiot,; he told the youngster. ‘I know,’ replied the young man, ‘that is why I want to marry her.’
Jacob was very pious. He went to the synagogue every Sabbath. He prayed to ask God to let him win the first prize in the lottery. But it was all in vain. Finally he waxed wrath with the Lord: ‘Am I asking too much? Here I am , a God fearing man and a Hebrew. [...]
The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?” The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “ How does it works?” The graduate with an Accounting degree asks,” How much will it cost?” The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks,’Do you want fries with that?”
An old lady went to her doctor and said, ‘Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent.’ As a matter of fact, I farted at least 10 times since I’ve been here in your clinic. You didn’t know I was farting [...]
Ah Seng: ‘You’ve been going to a psychiatrist. Do you think it helped?’ Ah Beng: ‘Oh, of course. I was afraid to answer the phone last week. Now I go right ahead and answer it whether it rings or not.’
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Little Danny jumped up and yelled, "Because people are sleeping!" The librarian told the children to keep quiet because the others could not read. Little Jane replied,” [...]
There are three ways to get things done: Do them yourself Pay someone else to do them Forbids your kids from doing them Why did the little boy put lipsticks on his head? He wanted to make up his mind.
While carrying firewood, a woodcutter accidentally bumped into a surgeon. He asked for forgiveness but the angry surgeon was ready to hit him with his fists. Falling on his knees, the woodcutter begged, “Please don’t use your hands. Kick me instead.” At that moment, a passerby commented,’That’s right!” If the surgeon were to use his [...]
A writer famous for the economy of his words was expecting his tailor and his lawyer, but had to leave before their arrival. When the author returned, he saw that they had left the following notes: Suit is ready Trial tomorrow.
Why was the maths book sad? Because it had so many problems. Teacher: If you had 30 apples in your hand and I took away 2 what would you have left? Pupil: My hands are too small to hold 30 apples Teacher: If your dad earned $1000 a week and gave you half, [...]
Contraceptice: A device which should be worn on every ‘conceivable’ occasion. Neighbours: The only people who listen to both sides of an argument. Genius: A guy who can do anything but make a living.
Muthu was carrying a box under his arm as he walked down the street. Ah Beng stopped him and asked, ‘What’s in that box?’ ‘A cat,’ Muthu said. ‘What for?’ ‘Well, I’m going to drink and you know when I’m a bit tipsy, I see rats which frighten me. This cat will drive them away.’ [...]
Ah Beng had to sit through a long winded speech by the visiting speaker in a dinner, which never seemed to end. He picked up a piece of menu card, wrote a few words on the back and asked the emcee to give it to the speaker. Shortly after he had done this, the speaker [...]
