Archives for November, 2009
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Little Danny jumped up and yelled, "Because people are sleeping!" The librarian told the children to keep quiet because the others could not read. Little Jane replied,” [...]
There are three ways to get things done: Do them yourself Pay someone else to do them Forbids your kids from doing them Why did the little boy put lipsticks on his head? He wanted to make up his mind.
While carrying firewood, a woodcutter accidentally bumped into a surgeon. He asked for forgiveness but the angry surgeon was ready to hit him with his fists. Falling on his knees, the woodcutter begged, “Please don’t use your hands. Kick me instead.” At that moment, a passerby commented,’That’s right!” If the surgeon were to use his [...]
A writer famous for the economy of his words was expecting his tailor and his lawyer, but had to leave before their arrival. When the author returned, he saw that they had left the following notes: Suit is ready Trial tomorrow.
Why was the maths book sad? Because it had so many problems. Teacher: If you had 30 apples in your hand and I took away 2 what would you have left? Pupil: My hands are too small to hold 30 apples Teacher: If your dad earned $1000 a week and gave you half, [...]
Contraceptice: A device which should be worn on every ‘conceivable’ occasion. Neighbours: The only people who listen to both sides of an argument. Genius: A guy who can do anything but make a living.
Muthu was carrying a box under his arm as he walked down the street. Ah Beng stopped him and asked, ‘What’s in that box?’ ‘A cat,’ Muthu said. ‘What for?’ ‘Well, I’m going to drink and you know when I’m a bit tipsy, I see rats which frighten me. This cat will drive them away.’ [...]
Ah Beng had to sit through a long winded speech by the visiting speaker in a dinner, which never seemed to end. He picked up a piece of menu card, wrote a few words on the back and asked the emcee to give it to the speaker. Shortly after he had done this, the speaker [...]
A couple refused to talk to each other after a bout of quarrels. But the husband needed to wake up early to attend an important meeting the next day. So he wrote on a piece of paper, ‘Please wake me up at 6am tomorrow,’ and kept it beside his wife’s pillow. His wife read it [...]
A drunkard was trying to open his door after returning from a bout of heavy drinking. His neighbour who saw him struggling to insert the key into the lock went over to him and said, ‘Give me the key I will get it open for you.’ The drunkard looked at him and replied,’ The lock [...]
Once a doctor received a phone call in the middle of the night. The caller sounded very excited, ‘Doctor, please come at once. My wife is in great pain and I am sure it is appendicitis,’ he said. The doctor assured him that there was no need to panic. ‘I will come in the morning.’ [...]
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to [...]
Ah Beng and Ahmad were boasting of their parents’ achievements to each other. Ah Beng: ‘ Have you heard of the Suez Canal?’ Ahmad: ‘Yes, I have.’ Ah Beng: ‘Well, my father dug it.’ Ahmad: That’s nothing. Have you heard of the Dead Sea?’ Ah Beng: ‘Yes, I have.’ Ahmad: ‘Well, my father killed it.’
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, “I should be Boss because I control the whole body’s responses and functions.” The feet said, “We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.” The hands said, “We [...]
A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy. “Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung [...]
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a [...]
A Japanese tourist arrived in Malaysia. While travelling in a taxi, he happened to observe that everything in Malaysia moves at a slower pace compared to where he came from. Unable to contain himself, he said to the taxi driver, ‘Your taxis are too slow, Japanese taxis are faster. Look at the buses they move [...]
A young woman had given birth in the lift of the maternity hospital, and was embarassed about it. One of the nurses, in an effort to console her, said, ‘Don’t feel bad. You are not as bad as the woman who delivered in the lobby of the hospital last year.’ With that the new mother [...]