Archives for 2010
Teacher: “If there are any idiots in the room please stand up ” After a long silence, one boy rose to his feet. Teacher: “Why do you consider yourself an idiot? ” Student: “I don’t. I just hate to see you standing up there all by yourself. “
A man went to the doctor to get a physical, after the doctor examined him, he told the man he had some bad news… he had cancer and Alzheimers. The man replied, ” Well, at least I don’t have cancer ”
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
One comes up with the slogan: "Coverage from the cradle to the grave." The second one tries to improve on that with: "Coverage from the womb to the tomb." Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with: "From the sperm to the worm." The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave [...]
I was walking down the hallway in a local mental hospital and saw a patient with his ear pressed hard against the wall. I asked him "What are you listening to?" He said "Put your ear to the wall and you will hear it too." So I did and after a long time I remarked [...]
There are several different kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be differentiated by the following method:General Practitioners know nothing and do little.Surgeons know little and do everything.Internists know everything and do nothing.Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it’s usually too late.
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?” A young [...]
When a doctor remarked on a new patient’s extraordinarily high blood pressure, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family." "Your mother’s side or your father’s?" The doctor asked. "Neither," he replied. "It’s from my wife’s family." "Oh, come on, stop joking about your health," the doctor said. "How could your wife’s [...]
The Cliff And The Blondes. A smart blonde and a dumb blonde both jump off a cliff at the same time. Who lands first? The dumb blonde because smart blondes don’t exist.
A smart blonde and a dumb blonde both jump off a cliff at the same time. Who lands first? The dumb blonde because smart blondes don’t exist.
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother. The first son said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second son said, "I sent her a BMW with a driver." The third son smiled and [...]
“Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.”
An elephant saw a turtle and decided to pick it up with its trunk and hurled it far away. A second elephant which saw what happened asked , ‘Why are you so cruel to the poor turtle?’ First elephant replied, ‘that turtle bit me some 50 years ago’ Second elephant exclaimed, ‘you really have good [...]
Did you hear about the rock and roll singer who wore a hearing aid for five years ….then found out he only needed a haircut?
Bride: ‘I don’t want to leave out any insignificant details on my wedding’ Mother: ‘Don’t worry! I’m sure he’s there!’
Nowadays you’ll find almost everything in the average American home…. except the family.
Husband: ‘Do you think you can paint a good portrait of my wife?’ Artist: ‘My friend, I can make it so lifelike you’ll jump every time you see it’
Why did Ah Beng stay up all night to study? Because he had to see a doctor in the morning for a blood test.
Learning Hokkien is as easy as abc: Children is KinnaKia. Bird is Jiaokia. Give birth is Sehkia. Furniture is IKEA. Police is Matakia. Small house is Chukia. Handphone is Nokia. I am Hokkienkia. Malay is Huankia. Indian is Geilengkia. Chinese is Tenglangkia. Japanese is Jitpunkia. Bad guy is Paikia. Good guy is GuaiKia. People who [...]
When I look at you, time stands still …. What I really mean is that your face would stop a clock.
Mum: Darling, do you want some ice cream? Toddler: (No response) Mum: Darling, do you want some ice cream? Toddler: Yes, mum. Mum: Why do you have to make me ask twice before you respond? Toddler: Because I wanted two portions of ice cream.
Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Ah Beng : Seven! Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Ah Beng : Seven! Teacher: Let’s try [...]