Archives for 2011
Why did the psychic cross the road? Answer: To cross to the other side
Were you long in the hospital? No, I was the same size as I am now.
A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.The bus driver says,’That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Yuck!’ The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, angry. She says to passenger next to her,’The driver just insulted me!’ The passenger says,’There’s very rude of the driver to say that. [...]
An elderly patient went to have her teeth checked. "Mrs. Ang, your teeth are good for the next 80 years." the dentist beamed. The elderly lady replied, "What will they do without me?"
There are two ways to rule a women and nobody knows them. Women are scientifically proven to be right even when they are wrong. A woman is like a tea bag. She only knows her strength when put in hot water. Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing [...]
Did you hear about the parents who called their baby ‘Caffeine?’ It kept them awake all night! Why did the man climb on to the chandelier? Because he was a light sleeper. ‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t get to sleep at night.’ ‘Lie on the edge of the bed, then, and you’ll soon drop [...]
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. "You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman. "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific." The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, [...]
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb? 1) "Hmmm … well there’s an interesting question isn’t it?" 2) "Define ‘light bulb’ …" 3) "How can you be sure it needs changing?" 4) Three. One to change it and two to stand around arguing over whether or not the light bulb exists.
Boy: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat? Dad: Have I not told you never to say such things during meals? Mum: Why did you ask the question? Boy: It’s because I saw one on daddy’s vegie but now it’s gone.
I don’t recall your face but your breath is familiar.
A woman walked up to a wrinkled, fragile looking old man sitting at the void deck. "I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What’s your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink 2 bottles of Tiger beer every day, eat [...]
The hospital is where a nurse wakes you up to give you a sleeping pill.
Surgeon: “ If I consider the operation necessary, would you have the money to pay for it?” Patient: “Let’s put it this way. . . . If I didn’t have the money to pay for it, would you consider the operation to be necessary?”
A smart blonde and a dumb blonde both jump off a cliff at the same time. Who lands first? The dumb blonde because smart blondes don’t exist.
Doctor: Did you take the patient’s temperature?Nurse: Nope. Is it missing?