Archives for “Medical Jokes”
Psychiatrist told his patient, ‘You better pay up the fees you owed me or I shall let you go crazy!”
An elderly woman came out of a doctor’s consultation room looking very angry and quickly left in a state of agitation. “What happened?” asked the nurse. “ I told her she was pregnant,” replied the doctor. “You couldn’t be serious,” remarked the nurse. “Of course not,” the doctor answered. “But I did cure her of [...]
Were you long in the hospital? No, I was the same size as I am now.
An elderly patient went to have her teeth checked. "Mrs. Ang, your teeth are good for the next 80 years." the dentist beamed. The elderly lady replied, "What will they do without me?"
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. "You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman. "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific." The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, [...]
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
I don’t recall your face but your breath is familiar.
The hospital is where a nurse wakes you up to give you a sleeping pill.
Surgeon: “ If I consider the operation necessary, would you have the money to pay for it?” Patient: “Let’s put it this way. . . . If I didn’t have the money to pay for it, would you consider the operation to be necessary?”
Doctor: Did you take the patient’s temperature?Nurse: Nope. Is it missing?
A man went to the doctor to get a physical, after the doctor examined him, he told the man he had some bad news… he had cancer and Alzheimers. The man replied, ” Well, at least I don’t have cancer ”
I was walking down the hallway in a local mental hospital and saw a patient with his ear pressed hard against the wall. I asked him "What are you listening to?" He said "Put your ear to the wall and you will hear it too." So I did and after a long time I remarked [...]
There are several different kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be differentiated by the following method:General Practitioners know nothing and do little.Surgeons know little and do everything.Internists know everything and do nothing.Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it’s usually too late.
When a doctor remarked on a new patient’s extraordinarily high blood pressure, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family." "Your mother’s side or your father’s?" The doctor asked. "Neither," he replied. "It’s from my wife’s family." "Oh, come on, stop joking about your health," the doctor said. "How could your wife’s [...]
An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample and a stool sample." The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?" "What did he say? What’s [...]
1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort. (Involvement with the patient’s suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.) 2. Be cheerful at all times. (Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.) 3. Try to suffer from the disease for [...]
A patient suffering from a nasty cold visited Dr Shears and groaned, saying, ‘ Doc, can you cure my cold? It has been held for me for the last 3 days.’ Knowing that there is no definite cure for common cold, the young over-zealous doctor advised after much hesitation, ‘You may do one thing. Take [...]
Perfect patients Four surgeons were discusiing the professions which make the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon said,’I like to see accountants on my operating table because, when you open them up, everything inside them is numbered.’ The second responded, ‘You should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded.’ The third surgeon [...]
Why do surgeons wear masks in the operating theatre? So no one will know who they are if they make a mistake
Doctor, doctor , I think I am suffering from Deja Vu Doctor answered: Didn’t I see you yesterday?
Fat lady: I ‘m very annoyed with that weighing scale. Husband: Why’s that? Fat lady: When I stepped on it, it said, “One person at a time , please”
The following was engraved on the tombstone of a hypochondriac: “ I told you I was sick!”