Archives for “Miscellanous Jokes”
An elephant saw a turtle and decided to pick it up with its trunk and hurled it far away. A second elephant which saw what happened asked , ‘Why are you so cruel to the poor turtle?’ First elephant replied, ‘that turtle bit me some 50 years ago’ Second elephant exclaimed, ‘you really have good [...]
Did you hear about the rock and roll singer who wore a hearing aid for five years ….then found out he only needed a haircut?
Bride: ‘I don’t want to leave out any insignificant details on my wedding’ Mother: ‘Don’t worry! I’m sure he’s there!’
Nowadays you’ll find almost everything in the average American home…. except the family.
Husband: ‘Do you think you can paint a good portrait of my wife?’ Artist: ‘My friend, I can make it so lifelike you’ll jump every time you see it’
Why did Ah Beng stay up all night to study? Because he had to see a doctor in the morning for a blood test.
When I look at you, time stands still …. What I really mean is that your face would stop a clock.
Mum: Darling, do you want some ice cream? Toddler: (No response) Mum: Darling, do you want some ice cream? Toddler: Yes, mum. Mum: Why do you have to make me ask twice before you respond? Toddler: Because I wanted two portions of ice cream.
A teacher told her students: ‘It is better to give than to receive. The more you give the better it is for you.’ Ah Beng replied, ‘ I know that. This is what my father believes in ‘ Teacher: ‘What does your father work as?’ Ah Beng: ‘My father is a boxer’
A couple was fighting over the custody of their child during a divorce hearing before a judge. The judge asked the toddler, ‘Do you want to stay with your mum or you dad?’ The toddler replied, ‘I will stay with the one who is keeping the T.V. ?’
Ah Seng and Ah Beng , two carpenter brothers were doing a job in Suntec City to set up for an exhibition of paintings by a famous artist. They two of them had a couple of beer during the lunch break. When they resumed work, Ah Seng got hold of a nail, climbed the stool [...]
A senior doctor was making his usual round at the mental hospital when he saw one of the patients holding a fishing rod. He had the end of the rod dangling in the washbasin. Trying to be kind, he asked, ‘Caught anything so far?’ The patient replied, ‘In a washbasin? are you crazy?’
A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting. Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence. Calling out to the patient, the man says, “Pardon me, sir, but do you [...]
Patient: I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here? Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a bus. Patient: What happened? Doctor: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? Patient: Give me the bad news first. Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we [...]
‘I struggled with mathematics all my life. As a child, learned to add. As a young man , I learnt to subtract. As a businessman I was a master at multiplying. And now my relatives will divide.’
The school inspector asked the class whether he should ask one difficult question, or two simple questions. A clever student told him to ask only one difficult question. The inspector asked him the place where the first woman was born in Singapore. The boy answered that it was at home. ‘How do you know?’ the [...]
Old lady: ‘People say you are the world’s greatest liar’ Man: ‘You are probably right. But let me tell you, there is no other woman who can match you in beauty at your age’ Old lady:’ I marvelled at how people can malign the most truthful person like you into a liar’
An Indian politician returned home after his first visit to China. Many reporters surrounded him and asked him what it was the he had been impressed with most about the Chinese people. ‘They are a very gifted race.’ replied the politician. ‘Even a two year old child can speak Mandarin.’
In an international exhibition a stall exhibited some brains of men with different price tags ranging from USD 100 to $100,000. A brain from famous people like Albert Einstein has a price tag of USD 100. Another brain of a taxi driver costs USD 100,000. There was a brain which has a price tag of [...]
A very angry young man barged into a family planning clinic and angrily spoke to the surgeon: ‘You performed that vasectomy operation on me, but my wife is pregnant again. Your surgical skill is very poor and I want to sue you for negligence!.’ ‘Calm down young man. It is you I operated on, not [...]
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.” The distressed woman [...]
A World War I hero was asked by a young girl: ‘Did you kill a German?’ The hero replied in the affirmative. ‘With which hand did you do it?’ enquired the girl.’ ‘With this right hand.’ The girl took the hand and kissed it. An officer who was watching nearby exploded: ‘ Man! Why didn’t [...]
A swankily dressed and opinionated young man got into a noisy crowded bus. With a very superior air he remarked to the conductor: ‘You seem to have collected all the animals from the zoo in your bus.’ A passenger retorted, ‘Sir, not all of them were in the bus till you came. A donkey was [...]
These are the suggestions on ways to keep an over energetic dumb blonde occupied: A) Give her a piece of paper with PTO (please turn over) written on both sides. B) Put her in a circle room and tell her to look for the corner of the room.
An American tourist lost his way in Bangalore (India). He approached two policemen and asked them for the direction to the airport. He first spoke to them in English. They shook their heads and replied, ‘No, English,,,,,ne’ He took out his pocket book and put the same question in French. The policemen continued to shake [...]